daily struggles

Life never ever works out the way that you think it will. You and I can put all sort of stock into what we think will happen, in the probability of certain events and outcomes, and we will be surprised and reminded Who is really in control every time.
I have had a lot of recent anxiety about the money issues for my trip to Thailand. I am way under the goals right now, and talk of it happening or not happening are more serious every day.

Two weeks ago, someone walked back into my life that I thought I would never see again, a past relationship that never really had any sort of closure. I was given a choice, and just like always it wasn't an easy choice. I struggled, i stumbled and debated and racked my brain going over things; weighing my heart my desires and my will against God's heart and desires and will. I was being offered what I had previously wanted more than anything. It was mine for the taking, my hearts desire was right there in front of me, all I had to do was take it, and walk away from everything that had changed and happened in the last year. Why, is it still so hard to resist the wrong thing? I knew the entire time that this was wrong, it was bad for me, and it would change my life back to where it was, which was a dark and desolate place.

It wasn't that I still didn't want that type of relationship, that I still don't desire everything that relationship represented, that I don't someday want to have the chance to have that. In fact, walking away from this chance was terrifying because I am so scared (still) that I won't ever meet anyone that I share this type of connection with, that I walked away from love, and it won't be an option again, even though I know that it won't ever happen with this particular person...does that make sense? Yeah, I didn't think so either, but we all know logic and the heart don't go together so well.

What did happen is that the desires of my heart had altered, because I had been finding my delight (Turkish?) in the Lord. I love how that verse doesn't mean that God will give you whatever you want, but rather that you will most desire what He has to give you.

So I said no...it was really hard for me, first because I have never been the one to end things with this person. Whenever our attempts at working it out had failed in the past, it was always him who walked away. For me to be the one to end things, or to even put a stop to anything happening at all, was really weird for me. It was a role reversal and it was hard for me to willingly hurt him. It was hard to not have that option anymore, to completely step out on faith and trust that God was going to take care of me, and understood my needs.

Once I got over the initial hurt, and tears...the anxiety was gone. I wasn't worried anymore about the money coming in, I wasn't worried that God knew what I needed and was perfectly able to provide for me. I'm not saying that I don't think I will struggle with this anymore, but I see this as a precedence of sorts, that if I have resisted this temptation once, that if it or similar should ever come around again, I will have the knowledge that I can do it again.

Since then, my donation amount has doubled, and while I am still a long way from my goal, a plane ticket is being bought for my trip today. Since I no longer had a "back up" and believed that God was going to do what He said, the support has been coming in and I have felt so much peace.
I am still scared, still daily stumbling under the cross that I am called to take up and follow Him; but for now, for this moment, which is how I/we have to take it, I am steady in the steadfast love of my King.


For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. (!!)
Romans 11:36

Stick it to the man

Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well.  Just wanted to post on here about donating and things.  If you are interested in donating and it being tax deductible then you need to donate directly through Word Made Flesh.  If you give the money to me, I unfortunately can not give you tax deductions.  Here is the link that you may use in order to directly donate to WMF: http://www.wordmadeflesh.org/support/give/.

Thank you so much for the donations I have already recieved! 

elp!

The healing from surgery is going good.  I get my stitches out tomorrow!  Yay!  I head back to work on Wednesday which is good, I have missed the little kiddos and the books haha.  Thank you for your recovery well wishes and prayers, I like it!

So, things are going pretty good on the Thailand front.  Reading the books and just really hitting this fund raising thing sort of hard as I am running out of time.  I've written some letters, sent them out, posted some blogs, been sort of annoying about and most importantly I've been praying. 

I really need the funds guys.  I mean I need a ticket to Thailand in order to minister to people in Thailand as I feel that God has called me to do. I have a couple hundred dollars raised so far, and that is great!  I am so thankful for everyone who has been able to donate.  The thing is I need $4,000 before December the 1st. 

Fund raising is my least favorite part, because it's embarrasing to ask for money, but it's been a way that God is teaching me that I can't do this alone.  That I need the support of the people he has put into my life.  So I am doing my part, I am humbling myself, putting down my sinful pride and asking you all for help.  I know money is tight these days and there isn't a lot to go around, but whatever you can spare is very much needed.  Thanks so much again for your prayers and support, you all mean so very much to me.

Updates

So, a lot has happened since I last posted an news for you.  First, my friend and brother Braxton (teammate from Mission Year) got married!  It was a beautiful celebration of the love God has blessed them, both recieving and giving, for each other.  Most of my roomies (we missed you Joy!) from Mission Year came, even Irvin our fabulous City Director, and we had a great time of fellowship and fun.

A couple of days after the wedding, I had surgery on my hip.  During my time in New Orleans my hip bothered me several times and we noticed a large, hard lump that was sort of in my stomach.  When I came back, I went to the doctor and had him check it out.  Turns out I had two osteochondromas (bone tumors) on my right hip.  While they were both benign, one was pressing on a nerve and was causing numbness and buzzy sensations down my leg; it was also pressing into my abdominal wall and causing some discomfort there as well.  So, on Monday, the 26th, they were both removed!  The surgery was good, I was in the hospital over night, but back home on Tuesday evening and have been recovering ever since.  I have another week or so off work, and then will be checked for regular activities. 

My books have been provided!  Thank you all for your generous donations, and because of them I have recieved all of the books I need for my trip!  I am excited and can't wait to get reading.

However, I am really having trouble fund raising, and if I can't get the funds, then the books wont be needed because I wont be going anywhere.

I was supposed to have raised $2000 by November 1st.  And the first came and went, and I have about $60 raised.  This is a big problem, because my next goal is to have another $2000 raised by December 1st, for a total for $4000.  I really don't know what else to do.  I keep praying about this, and I just keep feeling like God is continuing to tell me to trust him, and to trust the contacts that he has given me to raise the funds.  I do, I trust him, and I know that he can help the funds come in.  So, I am waiting to see what will happen.  Just please continue to pray about this, and be generous, and give to this ministry.  Thank you all so much.