Tuesday, November 17, 2009

daily struggles

Life never ever works out the way that you think it will. You and I can put all sort of stock into what we think will happen, in the probability of certain events and outcomes, and we will be surprised and reminded Who is really in control every time.
I have had a lot of recent anxiety about the money issues for my trip to Thailand. I am way under the goals right now, and talk of it happening or not happening are more serious every day.

Two weeks ago, someone walked back into my life that I thought I would never see again, a past relationship that never really had any sort of closure. I was given a choice, and just like always it wasn't an easy choice. I struggled, i stumbled and debated and racked my brain going over things; weighing my heart my desires and my will against God's heart and desires and will. I was being offered what I had previously wanted more than anything. It was mine for the taking, my hearts desire was right there in front of me, all I had to do was take it, and walk away from everything that had changed and happened in the last year. Why, is it still so hard to resist the wrong thing? I knew the entire time that this was wrong, it was bad for me, and it would change my life back to where it was, which was a dark and desolate place.

It wasn't that I still didn't want that type of relationship, that I still don't desire everything that relationship represented, that I don't someday want to have the chance to have that. In fact, walking away from this chance was terrifying because I am so scared (still) that I won't ever meet anyone that I share this type of connection with, that I walked away from love, and it won't be an option again, even though I know that it won't ever happen with this particular person...does that make sense? Yeah, I didn't think so either, but we all know logic and the heart don't go together so well.

What did happen is that the desires of my heart had altered, because I had been finding my delight (Turkish?) in the Lord. I love how that verse doesn't mean that God will give you whatever you want, but rather that you will most desire what He has to give you.

So I said no...it was really hard for me, first because I have never been the one to end things with this person. Whenever our attempts at working it out had failed in the past, it was always him who walked away. For me to be the one to end things, or to even put a stop to anything happening at all, was really weird for me. It was a role reversal and it was hard for me to willingly hurt him. It was hard to not have that option anymore, to completely step out on faith and trust that God was going to take care of me, and understood my needs.

Once I got over the initial hurt, and tears...the anxiety was gone. I wasn't worried anymore about the money coming in, I wasn't worried that God knew what I needed and was perfectly able to provide for me. I'm not saying that I don't think I will struggle with this anymore, but I see this as a precedence of sorts, that if I have resisted this temptation once, that if it or similar should ever come around again, I will have the knowledge that I can do it again.

Since then, my donation amount has doubled, and while I am still a long way from my goal, a plane ticket is being bought for my trip today. Since I no longer had a "back up" and believed that God was going to do what He said, the support has been coming in and I have felt so much peace.
I am still scared, still daily stumbling under the cross that I am called to take up and follow Him; but for now, for this moment, which is how I/we have to take it, I am steady in the steadfast love of my King.

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. (!!)
Romans 11:36

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